gah, i never feel conflicted. yet i do right now. i’ve been filling out my geneseo forms for the past fews days, and i still haven’t been able to check the “substance-free residence hall” box on my housing agreement yet. i’ve set the form in front of me countless times, pen in hand, and i just can’t do it. every person i’ve met says i’ll regret it almost instantly. and to add to that, the people that live there have to sign contracts and it continuously mentions ahearing to strict behavioral rules. all this together is troubling me. i don’t drink alchohol, and i don’t do drugs. i do not want my brain to feel different just because it’s the social norm. everyone wants to feel different. i want to stay the same. my friends understand this and have stopped trying to convince me to go places with them. i’m not seeing how going to college will change all this. when i was in 9th grade, i asked some counselors at pinewood that partied a lot if i would get “made fun of” for not drinking and doing drugs like everyone else. they told me no, and then that night they told my mom that they thought i was very strong-willed, individualistic, and that no one could tell me what to do. then my mom said she was proud of me. and then i cried.

and i’m crying right now. shit.

i think i hypochondriac (i know, it’s not a verb) too much. i keep thinking about how i could perhaps have a brain problem. i kind of want to know that i have one, because at least then i would know that my annoying tendencies occur for a reason, not just because i’m annoying. i’m mainly talking about my unableness to sit still, or to not fidget, or to not procrastinate constantly, or to not be able to sleep, or to not start new tasks before finishing old ones, or to not be so forgetful about everything, or to not listen when i’m spoken to. these things annoy me, these things annoy people around me. yet they are all perfectly normal. that’s why i don’t understand why i’m so worried about this.

i really just need a day of the week to catch up on everything. that’s what weekends are supposed to be for, but i always end up having something to do (got home late friday, cleaned all saturday, and did homework/made christmas cards sunday), and even if it’s something small, like doing my homework, it takes me hours because i get so distracted by other things. i wish i had a day where no one could tell me what to do and i could just do everything that needs to be done and be done with it. like my econ research paper outline. it’s due thursday, and i haven’t had time to start yet. actually, i’ve had time, but i haven’t used that time… constructively. i can never stay on task. oi.

is it possible to be really happy, yet really sad at the same time?

this always seems to happen to me on mondays.

nothing really interesting has been happening to me recently. i hope tomorrow something really really exciting happens, so i’ll have something to write about.

so i have this really bad habit of: being spineless. seriously. i never express an opinion and i often just agree with what people say in order to avoid conflict. i’ve been trying to overcome this recently, and i think i’m getting slightly better at telling people how i feel (mostly due to working at brighton’s asp).

but you want to know an even worse habit i have? when i do have an opinion about someone/something someone is doing, i will never say it to their face. but that doesn’t mean i’ll won’t tell someone across the room from them, really loud. maybe not loud, but at a volume that i know they can hear, so i know they are listening to what i’m saying, but it’s things that they probably wouldn’t like to talk to me about. i do this mostly with teachers. i should probably stop doing this, but it’s a hard habit to break. especially since i’ve done it for a pretty friggin’ long time. so if you catch me doing it, tell me to stop.

while i’m on the topic of confessing bad habits, here’s a list of a few more: snapping my gum (annoys teachers); doing awful [but awesome] dance moves; cracking my fingers, neck, spine, and toes; fidgeting, rocking back and forth, being on the computer a lot (almost wrote down tv, but i only watch 1-2 hours a night, so that seems reasonable); repeating words (kind of a stutter)/muttering/mixing up words in sentences; and more, probably.

ha ha, remember that half-hour nap i was planning on taking last night? turned into an 11-hour nap lasting until 6 this morning. so i slept in my jeans, hungry, with my lights and computer on, and i didn’t set my alarm. lol.

and today was pretty sucky too. well, actually, it wasn’t. it’s just, an econ test 8th period always ruins the day for me.

and i’m totally not digging this new bus schedule. it comes at 6:45am now, as opposed to 6:55am. this means i get to school at 6:55am. yeah, that makes me the first student in the cafeteria every morning. who knows, i might even be the first student in the entire school, i get off the bus before most (because i have no patience). so yeah, major not coolness going on.

this icon is in celebration of shirtless!mcgee, star of tonight’s episode of ncis.

so i’m actually working 4 times a week it seems: monday, tuesday, thursday, and friday (no wednesday because of mentoring club). this is good, in a way. more money for me, but less free time also.

it doesn’t help that i don’t have a car. here’s the dealie-o: i ride school bus #25 to brighton rec at 3, and at 6:15 (work ends around 5:45) my mom picks me up with liz and megan in tow, we drop of megan, and then we go home. today i got home around 7. for these reasons, i really really wish i had a car to use. not even a car to own, just a car to use. but this is unfortunately improbable. i think i’ll ride my bike to school this weekend and figure out the trip times there, to brighton rec, and home. this will be handy for about 5 days until it starts to snow : P

as for actual work, it was fine. it’s going to take me awhile to find my niche, but i think i’ll be okay. it’s pretty much exactly like camp was, but a lot less structured. i’m not sure if i like that fact more or less, but i think i’ll get used to it fairly quickly. the kids are cute, but it seems that they have a problem with talking back. great.

sorry if this post seems disjointed, but i’m kinda preoccupied right now.

well, i think curls has officially moved. this extremely saddens me. i actually wrote this post over on my livejournal, so if you want to hear me be sad and such, you can check that out.

i’m actually looking forward to school this week, since it’s homecoming week! hooray!

sometimes i think i worry about things too much. i obsess over stuff to the point where i sometimes can’t even sleep until i get up and do something about it. examples: updating this journal daily (sometimes i backdate when i post a few hours after midnight), the cleanliness of my room, the placement of the phone on my desk, how my books sit on the shelf (alphabetical), the color the the light bulbs in my room (normal “yellow” light v. natural “white” light), and i could go on and on, but i won’t. i think i need to stop obsessing and start, uh, uncessing? noncessing?

oh yeah. i haven’t told anyone about this one, except kate once, but the thing that i obsess over the most is really dumb: homework. people say i’m an overachiever because i always do my homework, but this truth is, i can’t not do my homework, if that makes sense. i literally can not sleep when i don’t do something, and i can always tell if i’ve forgotten. if i forget something at school and i can’t do my homework, i will think about it all night and i won’t be able to think about anything else. it’s like it’s stuck in my mind and when i want to just forget about it, my brain pokes itself into thinking about it again. okay, that’s all i have to say about homework.

i’m experienceing withdrawal symptoms. my imac has only been in the shop for 5 hours, and i’m already missing it. i can’t sit at my desk anymore without reaching for the mouse or pressing the itunes play button on my keyboard. this is going to be the longest 4 days of my life!

but it’s all for the best.

that econ test was BAD NEWS.

i can’t think of a senior quote. i want to use one from the office, but most of the jokes aren’t one liners/they’re inappropriate. so i think i might use: “i am so hip i have difficulty seeing over my pelvis,” a line from the resturant at the end of the universe by douglas adams. i like that quote. i really wanted to use this one quote, but it was too long—”my doctor says that i have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fiber, and that i am therefore excused from saving universes.” ford prefect says that in life, the universe, and everything.